Love and Sorrows: An endless journey
People don’t understand the promises they are making when they make them. We have heard, told and sung the stories of many such beautiful promises being broken or being kept even at expense of life. For many, such aspirations which drive them for something have been acquired from unthinkable incidents, anonymous people or just by a mere thought but for me it was someone’s love that changed the way I see this life.
It may be someone else ‘s story as well. You may also relate this to your own relationship and similarities would encourage you to flip through the pages of this memoir of my journey. The journey that started with excitements, aspirations, and dreams and ended in disgust and sorrows peeling off the fake layers of social boundaries from the character of an individual. The journey of twisting destinies and unparalleled dedication that led through the tunnel of bonds and bridges of faith.
I would dedicate this memoir to those people who have loved unconditionally and sacrificed their entire self for their love, and to that ‘goddess of love’ whom I worshiped but could not attain.
~1~
“I should not say or tell u this thing… But I think this is the time when I should tell u a truth that I have kept secret until now.” I said to her on the day when she was going to marry some other guy under the pressure of her family.
And then I read her a beautiful chapter of my life which has ended in dismay, distrust and disappointment with not just a broken relationship but shattering of dreams, hope and trust.
“You have asked it several times that why I still talk to Anu. You wanted to know what is so special about her.”, I continued.
-“So I will tell you today the answer for that question.”
~2~
It was year 2010; I was just a thankless, Jobless graduate when I met her on FB.
College was always full of mysteries and hopping admirations. Air was not as thinner as it is today and the only biggest problem in life was tough mathematical-physics assignments. Recalling those moments is similar to reading a lullaby or nursery rhyme – enthusiastically pleasant. Each time I go through them I end up coming across a new event that I skipped during last recall.
It was not easy to commute daily in the public transport and thanks to the traffic on roads in Delhi (and my laziness), I could never make it to my chemistry lab that used to be our first lecture every day. However the advantage was that due to my consistency in coming late chemistry professor was happy enough to mark me present as long as I do not disturb in ongoing lectures of her.
Friends were few but acquaintances were many; owing to being an active member of college ecological club. I had other responsibilities too; I was answerable for the attitude and commitments of the entire class as I was their representative- a CR and then there were my NCC duties.
So after doing this all day long talking to her on FB was a great relief.
~3~
When I saw you first you didn’t struck me any different but best of the drugs work slowly and quietly. I admired you not for your beauty but for your grace. I loved you not for your heart but for your soul. Every time you have said those three magical words- I knew you mean them. Mere sight of you coming from a distance caused my eyes to go wide, my jaw to drop and, my heart to pump faster – every single time.
They have said everything in praise of beauty, have written songs and beautiful poetries but I wanted to write Kalma for you. Wanted to sing Arties in your name and could have written verses in your faith.
~4~
After spending day’s most of the energy in understanding lectures at college I used to take home tuitions and could make 7000 rupees a month.
Earlier I had a laptop so we, Anu and I, used to chat daily.
This mostly involved asking about her daily routine, discussing favourite colour, food and dresses, exchanging views on global warming and fighting over what government should do to save economy. We loved doing this so for a year we kept doing that.
Gradually we decided that global warming or Indian economy was not our concern, all we cared was just about two of us. We started using sentences which made no sense and anticipated the responses of each other before they come. Eventually discussing, exchanging and fighting we fell for each other.
~5~
Unknowingly when we develop a comfortable state in relationship, trust and sharing, it bundles around our souls like cocoon around silk moth and nourishes it in its infancy. Sharing gives happiness; sharing everything. The purity of this relationship is more rewarding than any other materialistic version of world bounties.
~6~
Though we have moved into a relationship, we have never seen each other in person. FB video chat was not an option while on 2G.
Longing to see each other, we met after 1.5 years for the first time in a mall in Noida.
She wanted to come to meet me but now she had an urgent reason- her parents has fixed her marriage with a Germany settled renowned fashion designer.
And their families have gathered in the mall for a meeting with wedding planner.
So she called me
We met in CCD and she said, “if it would have been anyone else other than me.. She surely would have rejected you right away! You look awful! Why so much oil in the hairs… and this boring style!’
We spent an hour together in which we talked less shed tears more and then she had to go with her would be husband and their families.
I was standing by the side of road when they left in their cars. I kept looking till I lose their sight.
And then I found my cheeks wet. Unknowingly I have started crying!
I felt an ache in heart and throat was chocked with a large ball of tears… I could not breathe. I knew they have left with her but I wanted her back!
I have seen her peeping out of rear wind-shield of the car when they moved out; her moist eyes could not go unnoticed. With shaking hands and trembling fingers I called Arun and asked him to pick me up as I was not in condition to think straight.
~7~
In your life you may have wanted to be known by everyone or be special for all but truth is, all you need is just one individual who thinks that you are amazing, one for whom you are important, the one for whom you are so special- one who loves you. When I wished for a life I portrayed myself in the center of everything and left no room to be accommodated by anyone. But later I realized the fact that some things are better than others and life can be so beautiful in less and becomes unbearable cancer in absence of that one person…
Like all real love stories ours will also die with us. But I wanted to tell her that I still love her more than anything and more than anyone.
It takes a lot to live life alone which I realized very late and then I started counting about those moments which I just let go in vain just to realize my failures were more administered by me. Now I don’t want a million admirers but one..
~8~
She called me an hour later, and said,-“You may make a choice of what you want but I love YOU… So if you say I will say no to them and we can marry each other.”
What could be more happening than this; isn’t that what I wanted but so coward and aloof I was, I could not commit it to her.
I said yes but our parents will not agree on that
After that she called her would be mother in law and said she can’t marry her son
Then she called me and said she has done her part…
Now it was my turn.
I talked to mom and dad, through my younger brother.
Who agreed to meet her parents who, unknown to her intent, could not digest this turn up of events and in haste fixed her engagement again with someone else…that too in 5 days!
This problem kept going on…
In a span of 1 month she had to break almost 7 such marriages…
And those were not just any individuals
But known businessmen
Reputed journalists
All of them abroad settled
And I was nothing.
~9~
The path which we chose was not easy. Probably we both knew that this might not be a war but a heavy defeat in the end…
There were disappointments and fear of losing everything and yet you have been so courageous not only to choose this path but also to stop others from dragging you back.
~10~
Her passion for me was aggression for others…
She somehow called her brother to meet me.
And of course he was convinced,
So he decided to help us.
With his help and with some of my efforts finally her dad agreed to meet my dad.
They met like strangers and talked nonsense, but while her dad sensing the situation agreed for the marriage, mine could not approve the same owing to the objection mom had.
Dad then declared that this cannot go any further.
Her dad took her back to Lucknow.
But she ran away from there and stayed in a PG.
This I came to know later.
Very soon her dad found another bridegroom for her and they forced her to commit to.
But she called me and while we were talking she attempted suicide.
I kept yelling on the other side of the phone.
Helpless.
I had to call her brother and tell him.
They ran her to a hospital.
Just after 4 days she ran again.
This time gone for 3 months.
She had to leave her lucrative job,
Had to sacrifice her career.
Mutilated her health and beauty.
Ruined her peace…For what? Just for her love…
~11~
I could not stand up to her
She said once…
” I have realized Sanjeev, after all this mess of my life… That it was not you or me… It is not about us…
…if someone else would have been in your place I would have loved her the same way…
And similarly if someone else would be in my place you would have been the same way…
It’s all love…”
“.. Its only love…That we do…Above and beyond everything….”
Of course I realized… I was no match to her.
One of the things about her was that,
more she passes through these stresses… Calmer she used to react.
I never have heard her shouting or yelling; or even speaking in high note.
Probably all she did was loud enough to make everyone understand. Now she doesn’t work.
Now she is not married.
And do not want to marry anyone.
I asked her, “Why? Why not move on?”
And she said, ” Where to move on Sanjeev? I have already attained what I wanted. I wanted to Love you… And can u complain that no Anu, you have not…
I have lived my whole life…Just by loving you… Now I am complete… I’m contented… I have tested my boundaries…
..And now I know that no one can love you more than me.”
~12~
I can’t stop talking to her…
Not because I have some desires for her.
But it would be an insult for what she is…
If you say we have loved each other more than anyone else…
Than I would say we have not… Not yet…
I m way below what she has achieved…
She lives in her home…. Does nothing but writes.
Writes about her memories with me…
With life.
I met her mom few months back,
I could not utter a single word!!!
And she put her hand on my shoulders and said, “She will be happy if I will tell her that I met you Sanjeev…”
Have faith in what you do
you would need not to say it
Everyone will know… Without saying.
“Are we still talking?”
‘Yup’, she whispered.
Sanjeev Pandey's Blog 